Will You

(Source: oscurozahori, via kneelformenow)

Yesterday we talked a little about pain, about beating, about you beating me, and why I want it. Honestly, I don't know why I want it. It's a little crazy, isn't it? Maybe a lot crazy?

I want you to beat my ass. I want to feel the pain. I want YOU to give it to me. 

I want to feel it. I want it to hurt. I want it delivered in a specific way, slowly, deliberately, not part of some other activity. 

I love the idea of the belt. I want it. And yes, I know all that doesn't sound very submissive or very accepting or very much like I recognize my place on the bottom. I know what I want. 

You can start with your hands, or not, whatever you want for that part. And then a belt or a hairbrush. Again and again and again. Over your knee or lying on the bed or bent over the table. Or outside. I don't think I care about location. 

Writing about it turns me on, makes me crave it. 

I want you to beat me, and then push me past where I want it. I want you to make me take it. Ideally, using your words to make me take it, to settle me gently, in between hits. To insist that I take it for you. To tell me it's what you want, that it turns you on. To tell me sternly to behave and take it. 

This isn't punishment. Not this time at least, though of course we both know you could use it that way. This is Sadism. You do this to me because it makes your cock hard, and you want it. And I take it from you because it makes your cock hard and you want it. (Oh, and also because I want it so much that it's making me crazy!) 

I want you to make me cry with it. Why? Damn, I don't know. None of it makes any sense really. I just want it. Then I want you to fuck me from behind, gloating over the heat radiating from my ass while you do. 

Afterwards, I want bruises. 

Please can we? Will you? 

The Beginning

Where should I start?

I'm a submissive and a feminist. Sometimes those things run up against each other.

Actually, I think I have reconciled most of them inside my own head, in that I no longer panic that I want all the dirty things I want. Yes, I used to.

I've always been a feminist. And I think after years of confusion I realized that as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, whatever turns me on is fine, and the hell with what anyone else thinks. My kink is mine, and I can no more help what turns me on than anyone else can.

But... I'm still not thrilled about the rest of the world knowing that this is how my marriage works.

Honestly, if most of my friends knew my marriage was Dom/sub, they'd probably assume I was the Domme. Um, except the ones that know Z; I doubt anyone who knows him would ever think he's submissive. And he's not. He's all Dom, and I'm all sub.

I love Dominance, and I'm lucky to have found it. Sounds perfect, doesn't it? And it is. Except sometimes, when it isn't.

I want to use this blog to write about my feelings, maybe figure things out. I often think best through my fingers, and I'm hoping this will help me.

If you have any comments, please jump into the comments and tell me what you think.